Panic Attack

Everything is so wrong
I dont know how to fix it
Throwing up in the toilet
watching goo spiral towards exit

I’m feeling flashes of torment
I dont know what to call it
come to think of it, its cool
simply inspiration for this poet

Somebody come and save me
Stuck at work, helpless like a baby
Every second near the toilet
Another cough to force out vomit

Everything is so wrong
My life my woman my dreams
My stomach is settling
I begin to breathe and digest

Time to manage my time
Back at my desk I grind
Its not the end of the world
Here’s another poem, cheers to tomorrow

Alive

Alone in this world.
But my words keep my company
my lines brush through my hair
my syntax sustain my dreams
my poems require that I dare

to move forward and write
to carry on another fight
a stab at life and delight
in whatever path I find

Along the way
I lied
Along the way
I tried
Along the way
I cried
Along the way
I died

I died with my dreams
but both revived
at the sound of
deadly silence from these poems
that sounds incredibly alive

End of the road

So this is it
My dream of making a life with you
end of the road
and I don’t know the direction
I wanted love, life, the everyday mundane
was the timing off?
was it my fault?
I lied, because I was scared
Never have I tried so hard to prove
my love
So it’s not just me
It’s the both of us

So this is it
My dream of making a life with you
end of the road
and I don’t know the direction
I wanted to marry you
I wanted a family
but now everything’s failed
and we are just simply coexisting

We will live together
We will see other people
We are still together
But it’s not just the two of us anymore.

So this is it
My dream of making a life with you
end of the road
and I don’t know the direction

Not trying to fit in

I wouldn’t say I’m a rebel, but I do find myself getting stuck in situations when I have no choice but to be myself despite feeling pressure to fit in. Whether at work, with friends, with those closest to you, with family. Because the result of fitting in sometimes leads to losing your identities. By identities I mean: those very facts of who you are and what you are.

I’ve experienced tremendous pain in hiding who I am. That pain was doubled by the fact that I was young and didn’t know how to process it. Tripled by my family not being there for me, not that they would have been helpful if they were there. Quadrupled by extreme isolation. The last one- may be the reason why I still struggle with being alone or being by myself. The very thought of it brings excruciating anxiety.

In Chicago, I find it hard to not feel isolated. I often find myself opportunities to empathize and not be on the receiving end. Most of the time, I brush it off. It is my chameleon-like ability to snake through various circles, feel out of it, but still put in effort to enjoy my time while I’m at it.

Situations don’t faze me anymore, but sometimes they trigger painful memories. These days I am more able to regulate, process, and get rid of negative thoughts that serve no purpose but for a downward spiral.

I chose to be here, and this is what it takes. Finally, after 8 years of pain, I finally know how to BE in Chicago. I’m not saying it’s easy. I just know how to do it now. Pain is pain, but, in psychological terms, I know how to cope with it.

Bang: Thoughts After Orlando

A couple thoughts

1. While we focus on the Orlando shooting, we cannot forget violence that goes on daily. The Orlando shooting has been getting a lot of media attention, but what about other innocent lives taken away on a daily basis, violence perpetrated by our own government(s), in “modern” America and in history? Institutional violence is just as deadly as a mass shooter.

2. Please do not make generalizations about a diverse group of people based on the shooter’s identities.

3. While trying to get news updates, I keep running into instances of political candidates taking advantage of this tragedy through attempts to gain more support for their platforms. This game never stops.

4. I’m fighting feelings of fear, self-loath, incompetence, anxiety, isolation… exacerbated by this event. But honestly, I’ve been doing this everyday. We all have shown strength.

5. Need to get off work to chill, eat good food, drink, and do what i do everyday.