Hospital Visit

Before getting to the point of being physically sick, it is helpful to take note of and respond to the signs. It’s amazing how the body works in connection with your mental and emotional well-being.

There is no science to prove that yes, I got sick because of stress.

But honestly, you know when you know. And fortunately this is not my first round of anxiety-turned-into-upper-respiratory-infection-that-will-take-about-two-weeks-or-more-to-heal and I actually know exactly what I have to do.

It is not life threatening, yet it serves as an excellent wake up call.

When you tolerate something toxic over an extended period of time, I do believe the toxicity begin piling up in different corners of your body. Whether as a result of unhealthy coping skills or the way your body natural deposits unwanted substance in an attempt to reduce stress.

It’s not your fault that you stayed that long.

It takes time to reach a realization. It takes time to make up your mind. But once your mind is made up, you are set to take flight.

Breathe. And speak it into existence.

“It” as in your imagination of a better place. Your aspirations and hopes for happiness. Your faith and beliefs. Along the way you will meet many who try to convince you that you are not enough. That there is no use for you to try because simply, you can’t. Ha- that’s a dumb idea and it will never work.

Breathe. And speak it into existence.

Don’t let n-o-b-o-d-y tell you what you can or cannot do. Making up your mind is the first step. Doing some research and homework is next. Third- gather all forms of information. Make a plan, stick to it, but don’t forget to allow flexibility in your bullet points.

Breathe. And take flight.

Trust your instincts. Hone in on your beliefs. Work on your tenacity. Listen to your body. And most importantly- don’t forget to breathe.

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Sometime in the near future

Maybe one day I will be able to look back and say, wow, I survived the bitter cold in Chicago for over a decade. Alone.

Maybe one day I will remember nights when I languished. Like a towel wrung dry, twisted so hard that loose fiber hang like cut wire.

Maybe one day I will feel relieved that I never have to experience an unnatural state of being. A tropical island type of kid in subzero, Antarctic temperatures.

Maybe one day I will sit in a living room full of loved ones and feel warm.

Maybe one day I will be held, undconditionally. Maybe they will feel goosebumps through my wrinkly skin.

Maybe one day there will be someone wise and instinctive enough to know that this person I see before my eyes is someone I will never let go of. Because, damn.

Maybe one day I will remember the window installation I put up alone, for myself. Maybe I will still feel that same cramp in my right shoulder, a pain that creeps up to my neck and into the back of my head. A twinge, like snapped raw spaghetti.

Maybe one day I can rest a day or two from all this positive self-talk and just sit in my thoughts, feelings, emotions… and a waterfall of tears.

Maybe one day I can rest a day or two from strength and mental toughness.

Maybe one day I will miss days when I chugged through dirt and snow on my way to work, cussing loudly in my head, fists shaking violently at the sky in my imagination.

Maybe I will remenisce wet socks and dirty Nike Roshes from my commute. Maybe I will laugh at my impatience, or should I say silly love for my dog that I did not want him to wait an extra five minutes to be let out to pee. I opted to walk the 20 minute route in 0 degree Fahrenheit instead of waiting for the bus. For my dog. To pee.

Maybe one day I will remember the love I showed myself that carried me through the dreary Chicago days when the sun went on vacation for a few weeks.

Maybe one day I will remember my fear of subzero temperature and the moment when I conquered it.

Maybe one day I will remember nights when I talked to my dog and felt like he understood my hopes, dreams, anxiety, depression, self love, and my love for him.

Maybe one day I will pat myself on the back and tell me, “How far you’ve come, how strong you’ve been, what amazing stories you have!”

Maybe one day I will enjoy warmth in January.

Maybe one day I will not have to count months of winter left.

Maybe one day I will forget the number of people who let me down.

Maybe one day I won’t have anxiety about Spring since it might still be cold.

Maybe one day May will be hot as hell. The sun will scorch my skin and blaze my soul.

One day I will laugh at myself for living in Chicago for over a decade. Alone.

One day I may thank the bitter cold which inspired me to write.

One day I will take one last glance of the city, and breathe in slowy.

Breathe out. Then leave.

Wanderer

I’m wondering what you are doing at the exact moment. How you are feeling, what’s going on in your mind. How busy you are, if you are smiling through ups as well as downs. If you drank water if you ate if you took your vitamins and if your body feels well. I’m wondering if you are tired and if you are thinking about me too. I’m thinking about what you possibly look like while at work surrounded by those you work with. I’m thinking.. what shoes? I want to know if you’ve had your breaks if you need to rest your feet a bit. I’m wondering if you are getting your steps in. I’m thinking about what you are holding in your hands. I’m thinking about your hands. I want to know if you have you’re hair up or down. If your curls are tight or relaxed today. I’m wondering if you put lotion on, which kind, and what you smell like. I want to know if you have that glisten in your eyes you always have when I see you. I want to know how naturally glossy your lips are today. I want to know how your heart is since you woke up.. at peace? At ease? I always hope for that.

Kiss

Before they even touch, I thought about how it would feel if
I brushed them against yours
So gently that I actually cannot be sure if you feel them. But the proximity of my face to yours, yours to mine
sets our chests ablaze. Our minds swivel like a broken compass- its arrow spins, spinning, spins without any intention to stop.
Our breaths warm like ocean water in temperate climate. Almost in rhythm, but slightly off beat as a reminder of the effort put forth from each radio device to connect. Two distinct wavelengths searching for a common frequency- slightly off beat, but in syncopation.
Then, like a gust of wind that inspires the waves to roll, the ship rocks with the swell and tilts.
They touch, and I make sure I breathe in slightly so I may swim in your scent…Not counting seconds, but, we linger.
My fingers begin to travel in search for a place to stay. The exploration is unplanned yet delicately purposeful. Terrain included in their voyage will remain unscathed, but with each step the host quivers to signal direction.
So…Do I turn right here? Should I keep going? A little slower? A little here, a little there?
Our lips part with hesitation. Like a cold beat with heavy bass and delayed notes that complete a swing so groovy your ears scream with pleasure.
Breathe out… Our minds implode like flashing signals upon dark waters and code meant for only each other to understand.
I look into your eyes for response and after a few seconds you replied without words:

“Come back.”

A thousand goodbyes

When you feel their sadness
regrets
unspoken words
lingering thoughts
And decide to cut conversations short
to catch the train.

When you see their puffy eyes
blushed cheeks
Just to step out the car
Turn away from them
walk.
Don’t look back.

When you hear them ramble about
something, anything
to avoid talking about, you.
To pass up time
before your departure

When they ask you
Are you packed?
Did you get everything you needed?
Are you sure?
But not the question, “When are you coming back?”

You put up a front,
walk away.
so you can cry on the train,
out of sight.

I have said it
a thousand times.
And it never gets easier.
Leaving behind
comfort, familiarity, safety
stepping away from
repetition, complacency, a stagnant pond.

On one hand you lament
On the other, you point north
And remind yourself-
“I gotta go”